I fight my demons daily. Everything in my life revolves around my spiritual transformation, like a sculptor chipping away at the impurities that cover the radiance of Superconsciousness. Acupuncture treatments, meditation, reading the right books, having the proper lifestyle, being around the right people and avoiding the wrong people, reflective practice...
Sometimes I get overwhelmed, I get a little bit scared, the eerie feeling creeps up that I may be losing control. Facing one's inner fears, going looking for one's own demons inside, one is sure not to come up empty handed. Then, a few days later, the healing crisis from the acupuncture treatment wears off and I start to see the benefits: more clarity, more peace of mind, more centredness. The Witness appears again and I see my trials and tribulations with a whole new detachment, like everything is part of the bigger plan of things, and although I have just spent three days in confusion and emotional turmoil, it feels right. I have learned that when I look at my feelings, I feel weak, but when I look at my actions, they actually show a surprising strength.
I encounter loneliness, fear, the unknown. Uncertainty, fleeting moments of joy, together with fleeting moments of suffering. I dance in confusion and clarity, like a boat that goes up and down on the waves. I learn to not become attached to the crest of the waves, nor to let myself become afraid when sinking back towards the ocean. I have chosen to use the time that has been given to me here to widen the horizons of my consciousness and understand that I am neither the boat, nor the wave, but the ocean itself.
However, in the middle of Suffering all these philosophies seem far removed from the very concrete perception of Pain. I think that I should take it slower, not push myself so hard with the treatments. Rome wasn't built in a day, and I could take it slower. But then the good things come, the results from the treatments and from facing my demons, reaping the harvest of the emotional hard work. And with them an increasing sense of the fact that things are exactly how they are supposed to be. And that within these cycles of going back and forth from peace to turmoil and from turmoil back into peaceful waters, there is a growing sense of stability and evolution and happiness that goes well beyond any idea of stationary happiness.
There is life in this process, and with every bit of chaos that comes with the ever continuing work on the holy terrain of the soul, there is more life. There is more peace and more profundity to life and to my understanding, and also I take myself and my passing states of misery and happiness less seriously. I become less Me, and as I become less, I find that i become more Everything. Words have not the power to express it. The Tao that can be named is not the real Tao.
As time goes on, as days turn into weeks, weeks into months, and those into years, I have a growing feeling of stability in the midst of change. But most importantly there is discernment and a feeling of what is of the essence. Things change, circumstances, people, but when I look back, the most important things are the changes in myself. More accurately - the changes in my awareness, in my field of consciousness.
Each person chooses what he/she channels his/her energy in, day in and day out. Like climbing a ladder one step at a time. And in decades of life one arrives at the conclusion that his ladder was rested on the right wall, or the wrong wall. Again, everything is about the essence of life. Distinguishing the important things through the play of smoke and mirrors of life.
I have made my choice. I live by it. I choose to work on my innermost insides. The more I travel on this road, the clearer things get and the more I am sure that this is the right path. As time goes by, one truth becomes clearer and clearer - those not busy being born are busy dying. Those busy being born don't fear death because they are truly alive. The others fear death because somewhere deep down in themselves there is a vague feeling that they are missing out on the essence of their life. That essence cannot be outside of themselves in the false glitter of life's merry-go-round.
The path towards the Essence is wide and clear. Yet few dare to ask the right questions.